I'm not sure what to do...

I used to be a very independent person. Before I started drinking heavily and going through some of the toughest times of my life. I graduated high school with a lot of friends, a running scholarship to a D1 university, and with what I thought was my sanity...

I get to college and start figuring out who I really am, I made a lot of friends...easily, I am a friendly person and playing a sport makes that easier as well. I was on my own for the first time in my life, I didn't have much but I got by and I enjoyed myself, partied a lot, and started to question my sexuality. As I approached the end of my freshman year, I started to become depressed, not understanding why I couldn't just figure out what I wanted, dating a girl who was playing mind games with me. I have never been surrounded by good relationships for the majority of my life, is this why I found it ok to not always be loyal? Did I feel not good enough and that's why I constantly seeked out attention from others? I don't know the answers to these questions, and a lot of times I hate that I don't have these answers!!!

I struggle on a daily basis still. Not always feeling comfortable in my own skin, not feeling good enough, wishing I could turn back time and do it all over again. But I can't, and I know that but I still can't seem to move forward and accept that. I hold a lot of resentments, towards myself...not anyone else! I feel like I constantly need some kind of attention from someone, friends, lovers, family, etc. just to feel some kind of worth and importance in this world. I hate that, I don't want to depend on others to make myself feel good, I don't know how to overcome this...it's a hard to break that "character defect".

I believe that I can do good things, and accomplish a lot, but sometimes when you work so hard and you still don't get anywhere (it seems) it's hard to always stay on that, work hard path. It's easy to want to give up instead of put in the work. How do people do it?! How do they always keep this positive attitude and keep the motivation at its peak? I need to find ways to be better at this, because I can easily get myself in a slump and stay there, and for me that's dangerous because I will more than likely start drinking again just to feel like I have a place in this world.

I just want to feel important, worth, purpose...I want to know that it will be good one day...I want to feel comfortable being who I am!!