Weather is getting nice...

So I don't know about all of you but when the weather is nice and I see all of those people hanging outside, drinking, playing games, hanging out with their friends and having a good time I feel resentful, envious, sad, angry, and a million other feelings. I can't do those things anymore, I could but where would it get me?! Finding new friends, new places, new things, is very difficult...especially when you haven't been out in society for over a year. It's like being reborn and trying to learn life all over again, learning who you are, learning what you like, what you don't like. It's a strange concept, one that I'm doing well with but I struggle still at times with it. I have to continue to go to meetings, keep my focus on what is important and move forward. I'm lucky that I now have "tools" in my "toolbox" that will help me think through my thoughts..."where will a drink get me?" "what if I start to drink heavily again?" answering those questions helps me remember that there is a chance that I could go right back to where I was and that is the last place I want to be.

Hiking, running, biking, working out, getting coffee with friends and sitting outside are now things that I think about doing and none of them can be successful if I'm hammered. My thoughts, my life, my goals are so clear to me now that I can't lose that, I can't go back to where I was. Remembering (or not really remembering, cause you're blacked out) what life was while you're drinking helps to keep you in check. It certainly has helped me!!

Being sober helps me see the beauty in the sky, the flowers, the sun, the rain, the clouds, and appreciate and be grateful for all of those things...today I am just happy that I woke up and that i am alive!! Bring on Summer!!!!!!!

How do you forgive not only others but yourself?

So a memory of someone has been triggered the past couple days. Someone who was truly important to me. He took his own life, while I stood there and witnessed. Knowing what I know now about this disease of mine (and his), I wish there was something else that could of been done. I wish I had told him more how much he meant to me. I felt guilty for a very long time for what he chose to do, but I still feel guilty but in different ways now. I used his choice as an excuse to continue my addiction. It got worse, instead of talking about it, getting help, I chose to handle it myself the way I felt was appropriate, which was drink, heavily. I resented him for a very long for choosing to do that in front of me, putting me through that, but now that I understand this disease better the resentment has slowly turned into sadness because I just wish him and I would of been able to realize that we were slowly killing each other with our drinking habits! It's a nasty whirlwind of should of, could of, would of....and now there is nothing I can do. I speak to him at times and tell him things that I think and feel but nothing makes it feel better when he doesn't respond. I'm a person of very few words even though there are thousand of thoughts running through my head all day, everyday. It's sometimes hard to put all of these intense feelings into the correct words. Below are a few things to read when grieving that may or may not help but are there for you if needed.

I appreciate all who have checked out my blog and have helped me feel like I am reaching out to people who are just like me. It's not an easy thing to make yourself vulnerable but it does help!

Grieving

Without the aid of alcohol

LiveStrong

Dance like no one is watching!

Quick and easy post...

I love that music takes this control over me where I can lose myself in the lyrics, the rhythm, the beats. It allows me to take everything I was thinking and set it aside for a moment and just enjoy what is travelling through my ears. Hell, I even get up and dance around my apartment, lip sync walking down the street, move a little in my seat in class, it doesn't bother me if someone is watching because at that moment in time, NOTHING ELSE MATTERS but the MUSIC!!!

Sober is Sexy!!

I found this article so good. I think it gives a positive outlook on sobriety and not all of the things we struggle with and what makes this difficult. It's a chance for us to realize that we do the right thing by making these decisions and are doing our minds and our bodies a favor. Helps remember what real beauty is, and not beauty that is masked by alcohol and poor judgement! Hope you enjoy this one because I know I did! <3

7 Reasons Why Being Sober is Sexy

Confirmation

What a morning....

I attend a 7am meeting in my area and it just jump starts my day. Topic today, technology, literature, and the accessibility of A.A. Thinking about when A.A. started and the few people who were part of it amazes me at where A.A. is now, not only is it here in the U.S. but it is all over the world! Knowing that no matter where you are, what you're doing, and what time of the day it is that you can somehow find a way to make the right choice is such a reassuring AND comforting feeling. When you share in a meeting and someone has something to add to it, or second it, or gives you feedback it confirms that you're doing the right thing, that you are where you need to be.

Another thought that cam up today is that A.A. has no "rules" is something I never even considered because I came into the rooms at a time during A.A.'s life where no one was judged on what "drug" they did, their race, sexuality, or gender. That is a beautiful thing that so many people can come together for one common purpose and share their experience, strength, and hope with each other and hopefully help a fellow addict. That is why this blog is being done, in hopes that somehow, some way I can help someone else in any way. I'm still getting used to blogging in itself but as time goes on I will start to share more and get more into it and find my "rhythm".

For all of you who have read so far, thank you, this means a lot that you took the time out of your day just to give my blog a thought!

Inspiration, we need to always keep moving FORWARD!

We often wonder "what makes us use?", "how did we get like this?", "where did my life go wrong?". At some point, with some of us, and me in my earlier years struggled with who I was and where I was going. I came out to some of my family as having curiosity in the same sex when I was 18 years old. I struggled with it myself more than I let off. I told some of my friends and most were ok with it but others were quite shocked, I feel that in ways I did lose touch with a lot of people because of that. As the years went by I started to become who I really felt comfortable with, changing the way I look and dress along with it. Addicts use their addiction to hide behind their feelings and hide from reality, did I do that? I am not quite sure to this day but I did struggle so the chance is definitely there. I am bringing the topic up because I follow pages on Facebook of all of these amazing LGB and Transgender people in our world today that are overcoming all of these obstacles that I feel like are a true inspiration to anyone. Gay, straight, pansexual, asexual, etc. Below I am going to share some links of some amazingly inspiring people and no matter who you are, where you are from we can learn from these people, they could of easily given up but they didn't and that in itself is the true inspiration!! So if you're out there thinking that it will never get better, don't give up, there is always hope and what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger!

Aydian Dowling

Ruby Rose

Casey Legler

Sharing is Caring

The one thing that I think I have learned the most is that I need to always share how I am feeling. Whether I'm having a good day, bad day, ok day, etc. people appreciate you sharing your experience through life. Whether it is in the rooms or with my family/friends. I have become closer with my family being honest with where I am emotionally and mentally. I know that when I am in the rooms and someone shares that they may be struggling with staying clean/sober it helps me remember how I feel when I am in those moods or situations. It helps keep my sobriety in check and we all need to do that on a daily basis.

Facebook

You can now find me on Facebook, there isn't much on there yet but as the days go by I will posting things, pictures, links, etc. mainly the same things that I post on here but possibly more available to those Facebook savvy users. :) Enjoy!!

Facebook

Sun is shining!!

As the weather is getting nicer out, FINALLY, I'm surrounded by people hanging out outside, drinking!! Living in a college town during the nice weather months is challenging. It's what I used to do, sun was shining, the weather was warm, and I would be somewhere, with someone, outside, drinking. How do I fill my time this year without struggling and wanting to fall back into my old ways?! This is my first year, free, and sober, this gives me the opportunity to get back to things that used to make me happy. Softball, running, biking, basically anything outdoors. My mind is clear and my motivation has a different path so I can choose to do those things sober and enjoy them more. I have to keep myself in check though and I'm lucky that I also live somewhere that meetings are so widely available; I have to keep myself disciplined enough to utilize those meetings as well! Warm weather doesn't have to equal drinking anymore, it can equal enjoying activities that can better my health and give me a natural "high"/"buzz" and I couldn't be more excited.

P.A.W.S.

No this is not a random post about pets or animals, P.A.W.S. is Post Acute Withdraw Syndrome which is something I believe everyone should be aware of. I have a good friend who sent a website to me with some more information on the subject, symptoms, how to handle them, etc. and I felt it would be fantastic to share with all of you! :)

PAWS

What do you know?

I think we have all felt this way sometimes. I know I still do. Sometimes multiple times of the day. We live with our flaws and our disease everyday, we can't always create perfect, sensible sentences. We live in fear wondering who is going to judge us next. It is why reaching out to others and sharing our stories is so important. It is why I chose to create this blog.

Staying open-minded!

It is typical that you're not going to like every single person that you encounter on a daily basis. Likewise when it comes to the "rooms" (AA meetings). I found out early on that I will not agree or even want to listen to every share while I'm at a meeting and I started to shut down while those people were sharing. It was almost as though I was being judgmental; "they aren't going to say anything I can benefit from or care about..." and I realized those were some of my defects of characters, my flaws coming out, right in front of me, while I'm in a "safe place". How do you overcome that? Who knows really but I feel as though that I noticed it, I was OPEN and HONEST with how I was feeling and reacting that I was able to take a step back and keep an open mind and I can still learn something new. Do I like every single word that every single person has to say? No, I don't but that is a natural thing, a natural reaction, as long as I know I listened and kept an open mind, I did the right thing.