How do you forgive not only others but yourself?

So a memory of someone has been triggered the past couple days. Someone who was truly important to me. He took his own life, while I stood there and witnessed. Knowing what I know now about this disease of mine (and his), I wish there was something else that could of been done. I wish I had told him more how much he meant to me. I felt guilty for a very long time for what he chose to do, but I still feel guilty but in different ways now. I used his choice as an excuse to continue my addiction. It got worse, instead of talking about it, getting help, I chose to handle it myself the way I felt was appropriate, which was drink, heavily. I resented him for a very long for choosing to do that in front of me, putting me through that, but now that I understand this disease better the resentment has slowly turned into sadness because I just wish him and I would of been able to realize that we were slowly killing each other with our drinking habits! It's a nasty whirlwind of should of, could of, would of....and now there is nothing I can do. I speak to him at times and tell him things that I think and feel but nothing makes it feel better when he doesn't respond. I'm a person of very few words even though there are thousand of thoughts running through my head all day, everyday. It's sometimes hard to put all of these intense feelings into the correct words. Below are a few things to read when grieving that may or may not help but are there for you if needed.

I appreciate all who have checked out my blog and have helped me feel like I am reaching out to people who are just like me. It's not an easy thing to make yourself vulnerable but it does help!

Grieving

Without the aid of alcohol

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