Forgiving yourself

I was sitting in a meeting this morning reading today's "Daily Reflection" and some of the shares I heard really got me thinking....do I forgive myself enough? Do I love myself enough?

I have always been told that I don't give myself enough credit, that I'm too hard on myself...well why shouldn't I be hard on myself? Look where I have gotten myself!! Have I forgiven myself enough?? I don't think so, I still don't think I should be forgiven! It got me thinking of my friend that killed himself almost 8 yrs ago. I was there, I saw it happen, why couldn't I have done anything. We were in an argument before he made his choice, why did that argument have to happen? Could I have prevented that argument?! Was I a selfish person and was content with the relationship that we had? Why did we have to label anything? Why did I feel relief months after it happened? Why did I feel so much guilt? Why did I continue to drink so heavily, if not heavier, when drinking was probably the main cause of the events happening?

These are all questions I will NEVER get answered! So how do I move on from this? How do I forgive myself? It's not an easy thing, to feel like you were the best you, you could be, because I know I wasn't, not sure if I am now either. It eats at me alive a lot of the days.

R.I.P. Joshua John H.