In The Blink Of An Eye

It's no secret that life can change in the blink of an eye. Jobs can be lost, friendships can end, death can occur, the unemployment line is steps away, your marriage is falling apart, your addiction becomes a weight around your neck and you begin to wonder..... "How did I get here?" "How can I change?" "Is this really who I am, who I was meant to be?"

Change is inevitable. Failure at some point is inevitable. But what helps us to push past those things? I believe it's our inner voice. Whether some think that is you, a higher power of some sort, the Holy Spirit, etc. But, I feel that we are constantly at war with ourselves. One portion of  our self is saying "You can do this, I believe in you." And then there is another part of our self saying "You will never amount to anything. You've made too many mistakes."

The above quote, is one of my absolute favorites. I struggle, like many others, with the fear of failure. And in turn, it holds me back from trying new things, doing new activities, and figuring out who I really am. "What if I fall?" So what. I mean really think about that. Does life constantly demand perfection to succeed in this world? Some would say "yes." But I think that the world puts so much pressure on us to be like it and to fit a certain mold that we often forget the second part of this quote...

"Oh, my darling, what if you fly?" What if you FLY?? What if you grab life by the horns, grab that addiction by the throat, cut that friendship off that is causing more harm than good, leave that job to better yourself, get down and dirty and fix the marriage that you claimed 'til death do us part -- dig DEEP within yourself. Because the truth of the matter is, you CAN fly. All you need is the want and the will to fly and a few people to believe in you.

A random powerful video..

I just came across this, a friend had posted it on Facebook and it speaks so loudly to me!!! Maybe it will grab some of you!

Nancy Phi

Forgiving yourself

I was sitting in a meeting this morning reading today's "Daily Reflection" and some of the shares I heard really got me thinking....do I forgive myself enough? Do I love myself enough?

I have always been told that I don't give myself enough credit, that I'm too hard on myself...well why shouldn't I be hard on myself? Look where I have gotten myself!! Have I forgiven myself enough?? I don't think so, I still don't think I should be forgiven! It got me thinking of my friend that killed himself almost 8 yrs ago. I was there, I saw it happen, why couldn't I have done anything. We were in an argument before he made his choice, why did that argument have to happen? Could I have prevented that argument?! Was I a selfish person and was content with the relationship that we had? Why did we have to label anything? Why did I feel relief months after it happened? Why did I feel so much guilt? Why did I continue to drink so heavily, if not heavier, when drinking was probably the main cause of the events happening?

These are all questions I will NEVER get answered! So how do I move on from this? How do I forgive myself? It's not an easy thing, to feel like you were the best you, you could be, because I know I wasn't, not sure if I am now either. It eats at me alive a lot of the days.

R.I.P. Joshua John H.

Just a couple of inspirational picture/quotes

Sometimes, the simplest of phrases can be the most powerful. Watch what you say and 

how you say it.

Life gets busy

You have these moments in time where life seems to just drag and there's nothing to do and you wish there was much more going on, until it actually happens. You then have work, and school, and appointments, and AA meetings, etc. then you feel like you have no time to do the things that make you happy, or that you want to do. You start to stress out, you want to take all the time for yourself you can. Sleeping in has become a habit which in turn makes me miss meetings I want to go to and gets me off my routine, and now I'm all over the place and it's not a good place for me to be.

Sometimes I need to just take a step back, take a deep breath and just relax, everything will work out the way it's supposed to. It always does. Funny how it always does, but it does. Never an easy task to tell yourself that while in that moment of stress, but if you just try it does work, and it helps.

I'm not sure what to do...

I used to be a very independent person. Before I started drinking heavily and going through some of the toughest times of my life. I graduated high school with a lot of friends, a running scholarship to a D1 university, and with what I thought was my sanity...

I get to college and start figuring out who I really am, I made a lot of friends...easily, I am a friendly person and playing a sport makes that easier as well. I was on my own for the first time in my life, I didn't have much but I got by and I enjoyed myself, partied a lot, and started to question my sexuality. As I approached the end of my freshman year, I started to become depressed, not understanding why I couldn't just figure out what I wanted, dating a girl who was playing mind games with me. I have never been surrounded by good relationships for the majority of my life, is this why I found it ok to not always be loyal? Did I feel not good enough and that's why I constantly seeked out attention from others? I don't know the answers to these questions, and a lot of times I hate that I don't have these answers!!!

I struggle on a daily basis still. Not always feeling comfortable in my own skin, not feeling good enough, wishing I could turn back time and do it all over again. But I can't, and I know that but I still can't seem to move forward and accept that. I hold a lot of resentments, towards myself...not anyone else! I feel like I constantly need some kind of attention from someone, friends, lovers, family, etc. just to feel some kind of worth and importance in this world. I hate that, I don't want to depend on others to make myself feel good, I don't know how to overcome this...it's a hard to break that "character defect".

I believe that I can do good things, and accomplish a lot, but sometimes when you work so hard and you still don't get anywhere (it seems) it's hard to always stay on that, work hard path. It's easy to want to give up instead of put in the work. How do people do it?! How do they always keep this positive attitude and keep the motivation at its peak? I need to find ways to be better at this, because I can easily get myself in a slump and stay there, and for me that's dangerous because I will more than likely start drinking again just to feel like I have a place in this world.

I just want to feel important, worth, purpose...I want to know that it will be good one day...I want to feel comfortable being who I am!!

Friends, real or fake?

When you quit drinking, you take everything that comes along with it. Which includes losing friends, many and few. You do a lot of sitting around, alone, because the friends you thought you had are still out at the bars drinking every night, not wanting to just spend time inside watching a movie or playing a game. You have to find out what you like again, you have to find all new friends, create new special bonds with people you don't know. It's a difficult process, I am still trying to figure it out, it makes me feel very sad and depressed, thinking I don't have any friends, or am I reaching out to all the wrong people? The weather is nice out and I want to be out doing things, not stuck in my apartment, so how do I find those people who want to do those things with me? It's a question I keep asking myself. I attend school and work at my job most days, if not one the other, every day of the week. It's draining and discouraging that I don't have time to find these new friends and new hobbies, to feel happier in life. I don't want to feel like I have to start drinking again just to fit in again. It's how it all started and I don't want to go back to that place. If anyone is reading and has any advice for me, please I am open to ANY suggestions. I hope that you all are enjoying my blog and I appreciate everyone for reading. It's been fun putting my "stuff" out there and maybe helping other people, or just simply letting others know that they aren't alone in their feelings!!!

HAPPY WEDNESDAY!!! :)

Noticing a rut...

Even though the sun is shining, school is coming to a close, good things are happening, sometimes it's difficult to feel excited still. Why do we get into these ruts? Who knows. How do you get out of them? Do positive things for yourself, even when you don't want to.

My internship is coming up in a month, I'm getting an alcohol detection bracelet off soon, and I'm still feeling blah. I have to keep myself busy, with class work, going to the gym, actual work, cleaning, anything and everything possible. It helps to keep me on the right path to staying positive. I might not get out of my rut right away but it helps. 

These moments in time it does make me want to be able to go out and drink, because I live in a town where most of the things people do for fun is go to the bar, or have gatherings where drinking is the main focus. It's hard to want to participate in those things and not drink or not want to drink. It's a hard time, and I like to think I have certain tools to get me through these times.

Marine Corps Marathon

Something that I cannot express enough is the connection and the joy I get form that connection that I share with my family now that I am sober and I can more mentally and physically be there for them. I made a huge decision to register for the Marine Corps Marathon, mainly because my oldest sister has gotten into running halves and full marathons the past couple years. Running used to be something I was good at and enjoyed doing, running on the track and cross country teams in high school and during the first year and a half I attended Saint Francis University, receiving an athletic scholarship that I had taken away as a result of my drinking. The fact that I can now make better decisions about the well being of myself I can go out and have that enjoyment back. My sister and I both plan to run the Marine Corps Marathon TOGETHER, and finish TOGETHER. Something I never would in my lifetime would think would happen, let alone getting back into running! I'ts a very exciting thing for me and I couldn't be happier about where my life is now and where it is going. I will running for Team Inheritance of Hope, they help to raise money for families who have lost one or both parents. Included in today's post is a link to my page for the Marathon and some information on the Team I will be running for.

No matter where you have been, what you have done, you can always change your future. I am, and so are many or other people, living proof of that. All you have to do is have a little faith and hope!

I'm grateful for all of you readers for taking the time out of your day to read and share my experiences with me! :)

Marine Corps Marathon

Weather is getting nice...

So I don't know about all of you but when the weather is nice and I see all of those people hanging outside, drinking, playing games, hanging out with their friends and having a good time I feel resentful, envious, sad, angry, and a million other feelings. I can't do those things anymore, I could but where would it get me?! Finding new friends, new places, new things, is very difficult...especially when you haven't been out in society for over a year. It's like being reborn and trying to learn life all over again, learning who you are, learning what you like, what you don't like. It's a strange concept, one that I'm doing well with but I struggle still at times with it. I have to continue to go to meetings, keep my focus on what is important and move forward. I'm lucky that I now have "tools" in my "toolbox" that will help me think through my thoughts..."where will a drink get me?" "what if I start to drink heavily again?" answering those questions helps me remember that there is a chance that I could go right back to where I was and that is the last place I want to be.

Hiking, running, biking, working out, getting coffee with friends and sitting outside are now things that I think about doing and none of them can be successful if I'm hammered. My thoughts, my life, my goals are so clear to me now that I can't lose that, I can't go back to where I was. Remembering (or not really remembering, cause you're blacked out) what life was while you're drinking helps to keep you in check. It certainly has helped me!!

Being sober helps me see the beauty in the sky, the flowers, the sun, the rain, the clouds, and appreciate and be grateful for all of those things...today I am just happy that I woke up and that i am alive!! Bring on Summer!!!!!!!

How do you forgive not only others but yourself?

So a memory of someone has been triggered the past couple days. Someone who was truly important to me. He took his own life, while I stood there and witnessed. Knowing what I know now about this disease of mine (and his), I wish there was something else that could of been done. I wish I had told him more how much he meant to me. I felt guilty for a very long time for what he chose to do, but I still feel guilty but in different ways now. I used his choice as an excuse to continue my addiction. It got worse, instead of talking about it, getting help, I chose to handle it myself the way I felt was appropriate, which was drink, heavily. I resented him for a very long for choosing to do that in front of me, putting me through that, but now that I understand this disease better the resentment has slowly turned into sadness because I just wish him and I would of been able to realize that we were slowly killing each other with our drinking habits! It's a nasty whirlwind of should of, could of, would of....and now there is nothing I can do. I speak to him at times and tell him things that I think and feel but nothing makes it feel better when he doesn't respond. I'm a person of very few words even though there are thousand of thoughts running through my head all day, everyday. It's sometimes hard to put all of these intense feelings into the correct words. Below are a few things to read when grieving that may or may not help but are there for you if needed.

I appreciate all who have checked out my blog and have helped me feel like I am reaching out to people who are just like me. It's not an easy thing to make yourself vulnerable but it does help!

Grieving

Without the aid of alcohol

LiveStrong

Dance like no one is watching!

Quick and easy post...

I love that music takes this control over me where I can lose myself in the lyrics, the rhythm, the beats. It allows me to take everything I was thinking and set it aside for a moment and just enjoy what is travelling through my ears. Hell, I even get up and dance around my apartment, lip sync walking down the street, move a little in my seat in class, it doesn't bother me if someone is watching because at that moment in time, NOTHING ELSE MATTERS but the MUSIC!!!

Sober is Sexy!!

I found this article so good. I think it gives a positive outlook on sobriety and not all of the things we struggle with and what makes this difficult. It's a chance for us to realize that we do the right thing by making these decisions and are doing our minds and our bodies a favor. Helps remember what real beauty is, and not beauty that is masked by alcohol and poor judgement! Hope you enjoy this one because I know I did! <3

7 Reasons Why Being Sober is Sexy

Confirmation

What a morning....

I attend a 7am meeting in my area and it just jump starts my day. Topic today, technology, literature, and the accessibility of A.A. Thinking about when A.A. started and the few people who were part of it amazes me at where A.A. is now, not only is it here in the U.S. but it is all over the world! Knowing that no matter where you are, what you're doing, and what time of the day it is that you can somehow find a way to make the right choice is such a reassuring AND comforting feeling. When you share in a meeting and someone has something to add to it, or second it, or gives you feedback it confirms that you're doing the right thing, that you are where you need to be.

Another thought that cam up today is that A.A. has no "rules" is something I never even considered because I came into the rooms at a time during A.A.'s life where no one was judged on what "drug" they did, their race, sexuality, or gender. That is a beautiful thing that so many people can come together for one common purpose and share their experience, strength, and hope with each other and hopefully help a fellow addict. That is why this blog is being done, in hopes that somehow, some way I can help someone else in any way. I'm still getting used to blogging in itself but as time goes on I will start to share more and get more into it and find my "rhythm".

For all of you who have read so far, thank you, this means a lot that you took the time out of your day just to give my blog a thought!

Inspiration, we need to always keep moving FORWARD!

We often wonder "what makes us use?", "how did we get like this?", "where did my life go wrong?". At some point, with some of us, and me in my earlier years struggled with who I was and where I was going. I came out to some of my family as having curiosity in the same sex when I was 18 years old. I struggled with it myself more than I let off. I told some of my friends and most were ok with it but others were quite shocked, I feel that in ways I did lose touch with a lot of people because of that. As the years went by I started to become who I really felt comfortable with, changing the way I look and dress along with it. Addicts use their addiction to hide behind their feelings and hide from reality, did I do that? I am not quite sure to this day but I did struggle so the chance is definitely there. I am bringing the topic up because I follow pages on Facebook of all of these amazing LGB and Transgender people in our world today that are overcoming all of these obstacles that I feel like are a true inspiration to anyone. Gay, straight, pansexual, asexual, etc. Below I am going to share some links of some amazingly inspiring people and no matter who you are, where you are from we can learn from these people, they could of easily given up but they didn't and that in itself is the true inspiration!! So if you're out there thinking that it will never get better, don't give up, there is always hope and what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger!

Aydian Dowling

Ruby Rose

Casey Legler

Sharing is Caring

The one thing that I think I have learned the most is that I need to always share how I am feeling. Whether I'm having a good day, bad day, ok day, etc. people appreciate you sharing your experience through life. Whether it is in the rooms or with my family/friends. I have become closer with my family being honest with where I am emotionally and mentally. I know that when I am in the rooms and someone shares that they may be struggling with staying clean/sober it helps me remember how I feel when I am in those moods or situations. It helps keep my sobriety in check and we all need to do that on a daily basis.

Facebook

You can now find me on Facebook, there isn't much on there yet but as the days go by I will posting things, pictures, links, etc. mainly the same things that I post on here but possibly more available to those Facebook savvy users. :) Enjoy!!

Facebook

Sun is shining!!

As the weather is getting nicer out, FINALLY, I'm surrounded by people hanging out outside, drinking!! Living in a college town during the nice weather months is challenging. It's what I used to do, sun was shining, the weather was warm, and I would be somewhere, with someone, outside, drinking. How do I fill my time this year without struggling and wanting to fall back into my old ways?! This is my first year, free, and sober, this gives me the opportunity to get back to things that used to make me happy. Softball, running, biking, basically anything outdoors. My mind is clear and my motivation has a different path so I can choose to do those things sober and enjoy them more. I have to keep myself in check though and I'm lucky that I also live somewhere that meetings are so widely available; I have to keep myself disciplined enough to utilize those meetings as well! Warm weather doesn't have to equal drinking anymore, it can equal enjoying activities that can better my health and give me a natural "high"/"buzz" and I couldn't be more excited.

P.A.W.S.

No this is not a random post about pets or animals, P.A.W.S. is Post Acute Withdraw Syndrome which is something I believe everyone should be aware of. I have a good friend who sent a website to me with some more information on the subject, symptoms, how to handle them, etc. and I felt it would be fantastic to share with all of you! :)

PAWS

What do you know?

I think we have all felt this way sometimes. I know I still do. Sometimes multiple times of the day. We live with our flaws and our disease everyday, we can't always create perfect, sensible sentences. We live in fear wondering who is going to judge us next. It is why reaching out to others and sharing our stories is so important. It is why I chose to create this blog.

Staying open-minded!

It is typical that you're not going to like every single person that you encounter on a daily basis. Likewise when it comes to the "rooms" (AA meetings). I found out early on that I will not agree or even want to listen to every share while I'm at a meeting and I started to shut down while those people were sharing. It was almost as though I was being judgmental; "they aren't going to say anything I can benefit from or care about..." and I realized those were some of my defects of characters, my flaws coming out, right in front of me, while I'm in a "safe place". How do you overcome that? Who knows really but I feel as though that I noticed it, I was OPEN and HONEST with how I was feeling and reacting that I was able to take a step back and keep an open mind and I can still learn something new. Do I like every single word that every single person has to say? No, I don't but that is a natural thing, a natural reaction, as long as I know I listened and kept an open mind, I did the right thing.

State College, PA

A list of AA meetings for anyone who may stumble across this blog, and is questioning there social life. It's a scary thought, but never a scary place.

District 43 meeting list

Everyday thoughts...

The one thing that they try to stress in AA is the idea, suggestion, of "letting go". How do you let go? This is a concept that I just could not, still struggle with every so often, grasp on to. As you sit alone in an apartment alone with just your thoughts, how do you just "let go"? Questions about why this is my life, and how am I ever going to move forward from this can easily fill any addicts mind. It gets easier, simplify it...let your mind just relax, when you're not at school, work, etc. and just relaxing on your couch, turn on Netflix, a sports game, and just allow yourself to be lazy. I've allowed myself to realize that the decisions I made cannot be reversed, but I have a chance to do things a little differently now. There are still moments when I feel like how can I move forward, I have legal issues, I have not the best job history, due to my addiction, but where there is hope, there is a way. Someone, somewhere, has been where I have been, will see my potential, and will give me a chance. That is what I try to hold onto. Will it happen tomorrow? No. Will it happen next week? Probably not. And in the mean time I have to hold on to the idea that it will happen, and I have to allow myself the time I need to know I am ready to take on the new sober world that is put in front of me. Keep in mind, this feeling did not come to me immediately after I stopped using, it took time, I complicated EVERYTHING, and it isn't until I took every situation, and every day and looked at it in the simplest way I possibly could that I started to realize that I can "let go". And so can you!

How did I get here?

When you're a child you have all of these goals and dreams of where you are going to be when you "grow up", and I'm sure none of us said to ourselves..."I want to be an alcoholic/addict!" How does it even happen, when does it happen, why does it happen?! I'm not going to run through my whole childhood, and all of the different reasons or ways how I could of gotten here, but I'm here and that's what matters. That is why I'm doing this, because I am finally here, finally doing something about my problem(s). What I will do is at least tell you a little about myself though...my name is Allison, and I am just a couple short days from a year of sobriety. It's exciting, scary, crazy, sad and a million other things. "I've lived a whole year without a drink, am I really not going to drink ever again?" I still ask this and I know I will continue to ask myself this for many years to come. People with years of sobriety still struggle, it's a lifetime process. Was it my choice to be in recovery? Not exactly! Who's really all that excited to walk into there first AA/NA meeting? Not to many of us. I was terrified! The law got me to where I am today and I am not so sure that I would of had it any other way because I don't believe I admitted that I needed the help that I did. But I am here and it's saved me. A lot of future posts may be a little all over the place, what recovering addict isn't all over the place? But I want to share my story, share my every day thoughts, feelings, struggles, maybe in hopes to help someone else, if not at least to teach others this is a real life struggle, a real life thing, and not a disease to take lightly. Welcome to my journey!