Noticing a rut...

Even though the sun is shining, school is coming to a close, good things are happening, sometimes it's difficult to feel excited still. Why do we get into these ruts? Who knows. How do you get out of them? Do positive things for yourself, even when you don't want to.

My internship is coming up in a month, I'm getting an alcohol detection bracelet off soon, and I'm still feeling blah. I have to keep myself busy, with class work, going to the gym, actual work, cleaning, anything and everything possible. It helps to keep me on the right path to staying positive. I might not get out of my rut right away but it helps. 

These moments in time it does make me want to be able to go out and drink, because I live in a town where most of the things people do for fun is go to the bar, or have gatherings where drinking is the main focus. It's hard to want to participate in those things and not drink or not want to drink. It's a hard time, and I like to think I have certain tools to get me through these times.

Marine Corps Marathon

Something that I cannot express enough is the connection and the joy I get form that connection that I share with my family now that I am sober and I can more mentally and physically be there for them. I made a huge decision to register for the Marine Corps Marathon, mainly because my oldest sister has gotten into running halves and full marathons the past couple years. Running used to be something I was good at and enjoyed doing, running on the track and cross country teams in high school and during the first year and a half I attended Saint Francis University, receiving an athletic scholarship that I had taken away as a result of my drinking. The fact that I can now make better decisions about the well being of myself I can go out and have that enjoyment back. My sister and I both plan to run the Marine Corps Marathon TOGETHER, and finish TOGETHER. Something I never would in my lifetime would think would happen, let alone getting back into running! I'ts a very exciting thing for me and I couldn't be happier about where my life is now and where it is going. I will running for Team Inheritance of Hope, they help to raise money for families who have lost one or both parents. Included in today's post is a link to my page for the Marathon and some information on the Team I will be running for.

No matter where you have been, what you have done, you can always change your future. I am, and so are many or other people, living proof of that. All you have to do is have a little faith and hope!

I'm grateful for all of you readers for taking the time out of your day to read and share my experiences with me! :)

Marine Corps Marathon

Weather is getting nice...

So I don't know about all of you but when the weather is nice and I see all of those people hanging outside, drinking, playing games, hanging out with their friends and having a good time I feel resentful, envious, sad, angry, and a million other feelings. I can't do those things anymore, I could but where would it get me?! Finding new friends, new places, new things, is very difficult...especially when you haven't been out in society for over a year. It's like being reborn and trying to learn life all over again, learning who you are, learning what you like, what you don't like. It's a strange concept, one that I'm doing well with but I struggle still at times with it. I have to continue to go to meetings, keep my focus on what is important and move forward. I'm lucky that I now have "tools" in my "toolbox" that will help me think through my thoughts..."where will a drink get me?" "what if I start to drink heavily again?" answering those questions helps me remember that there is a chance that I could go right back to where I was and that is the last place I want to be.

Hiking, running, biking, working out, getting coffee with friends and sitting outside are now things that I think about doing and none of them can be successful if I'm hammered. My thoughts, my life, my goals are so clear to me now that I can't lose that, I can't go back to where I was. Remembering (or not really remembering, cause you're blacked out) what life was while you're drinking helps to keep you in check. It certainly has helped me!!

Being sober helps me see the beauty in the sky, the flowers, the sun, the rain, the clouds, and appreciate and be grateful for all of those things...today I am just happy that I woke up and that i am alive!! Bring on Summer!!!!!!!

How do you forgive not only others but yourself?

So a memory of someone has been triggered the past couple days. Someone who was truly important to me. He took his own life, while I stood there and witnessed. Knowing what I know now about this disease of mine (and his), I wish there was something else that could of been done. I wish I had told him more how much he meant to me. I felt guilty for a very long time for what he chose to do, but I still feel guilty but in different ways now. I used his choice as an excuse to continue my addiction. It got worse, instead of talking about it, getting help, I chose to handle it myself the way I felt was appropriate, which was drink, heavily. I resented him for a very long for choosing to do that in front of me, putting me through that, but now that I understand this disease better the resentment has slowly turned into sadness because I just wish him and I would of been able to realize that we were slowly killing each other with our drinking habits! It's a nasty whirlwind of should of, could of, would of....and now there is nothing I can do. I speak to him at times and tell him things that I think and feel but nothing makes it feel better when he doesn't respond. I'm a person of very few words even though there are thousand of thoughts running through my head all day, everyday. It's sometimes hard to put all of these intense feelings into the correct words. Below are a few things to read when grieving that may or may not help but are there for you if needed.

I appreciate all who have checked out my blog and have helped me feel like I am reaching out to people who are just like me. It's not an easy thing to make yourself vulnerable but it does help!

Grieving

Without the aid of alcohol

LiveStrong

Dance like no one is watching!

Quick and easy post...

I love that music takes this control over me where I can lose myself in the lyrics, the rhythm, the beats. It allows me to take everything I was thinking and set it aside for a moment and just enjoy what is travelling through my ears. Hell, I even get up and dance around my apartment, lip sync walking down the street, move a little in my seat in class, it doesn't bother me if someone is watching because at that moment in time, NOTHING ELSE MATTERS but the MUSIC!!!

Sober is Sexy!!

I found this article so good. I think it gives a positive outlook on sobriety and not all of the things we struggle with and what makes this difficult. It's a chance for us to realize that we do the right thing by making these decisions and are doing our minds and our bodies a favor. Helps remember what real beauty is, and not beauty that is masked by alcohol and poor judgement! Hope you enjoy this one because I know I did! <3

7 Reasons Why Being Sober is Sexy

Confirmation

What a morning....

I attend a 7am meeting in my area and it just jump starts my day. Topic today, technology, literature, and the accessibility of A.A. Thinking about when A.A. started and the few people who were part of it amazes me at where A.A. is now, not only is it here in the U.S. but it is all over the world! Knowing that no matter where you are, what you're doing, and what time of the day it is that you can somehow find a way to make the right choice is such a reassuring AND comforting feeling. When you share in a meeting and someone has something to add to it, or second it, or gives you feedback it confirms that you're doing the right thing, that you are where you need to be.

Another thought that cam up today is that A.A. has no "rules" is something I never even considered because I came into the rooms at a time during A.A.'s life where no one was judged on what "drug" they did, their race, sexuality, or gender. That is a beautiful thing that so many people can come together for one common purpose and share their experience, strength, and hope with each other and hopefully help a fellow addict. That is why this blog is being done, in hopes that somehow, some way I can help someone else in any way. I'm still getting used to blogging in itself but as time goes on I will start to share more and get more into it and find my "rhythm".

For all of you who have read so far, thank you, this means a lot that you took the time out of your day just to give my blog a thought!