In The Blink Of An Eye

It's no secret that life can change in the blink of an eye. Jobs can be lost, friendships can end, death can occur, the unemployment line is steps away, your marriage is falling apart, your addiction becomes a weight around your neck and you begin to wonder..... "How did I get here?" "How can I change?" "Is this really who I am, who I was meant to be?"

Change is inevitable. Failure at some point is inevitable. But what helps us to push past those things? I believe it's our inner voice. Whether some think that is you, a higher power of some sort, the Holy Spirit, etc. But, I feel that we are constantly at war with ourselves. One portion of  our self is saying "You can do this, I believe in you." And then there is another part of our self saying "You will never amount to anything. You've made too many mistakes."

The above quote, is one of my absolute favorites. I struggle, like many others, with the fear of failure. And in turn, it holds me back from trying new things, doing new activities, and figuring out who I really am. "What if I fall?" So what. I mean really think about that. Does life constantly demand perfection to succeed in this world? Some would say "yes." But I think that the world puts so much pressure on us to be like it and to fit a certain mold that we often forget the second part of this quote...

"Oh, my darling, what if you fly?" What if you FLY?? What if you grab life by the horns, grab that addiction by the throat, cut that friendship off that is causing more harm than good, leave that job to better yourself, get down and dirty and fix the marriage that you claimed 'til death do us part -- dig DEEP within yourself. Because the truth of the matter is, you CAN fly. All you need is the want and the will to fly and a few people to believe in you.

A random powerful video..

I just came across this, a friend had posted it on Facebook and it speaks so loudly to me!!! Maybe it will grab some of you!

Nancy Phi

Forgiving yourself

I was sitting in a meeting this morning reading today's "Daily Reflection" and some of the shares I heard really got me thinking....do I forgive myself enough? Do I love myself enough?

I have always been told that I don't give myself enough credit, that I'm too hard on myself...well why shouldn't I be hard on myself? Look where I have gotten myself!! Have I forgiven myself enough?? I don't think so, I still don't think I should be forgiven! It got me thinking of my friend that killed himself almost 8 yrs ago. I was there, I saw it happen, why couldn't I have done anything. We were in an argument before he made his choice, why did that argument have to happen? Could I have prevented that argument?! Was I a selfish person and was content with the relationship that we had? Why did we have to label anything? Why did I feel relief months after it happened? Why did I feel so much guilt? Why did I continue to drink so heavily, if not heavier, when drinking was probably the main cause of the events happening?

These are all questions I will NEVER get answered! So how do I move on from this? How do I forgive myself? It's not an easy thing, to feel like you were the best you, you could be, because I know I wasn't, not sure if I am now either. It eats at me alive a lot of the days.

R.I.P. Joshua John H.

Just a couple of inspirational picture/quotes

Sometimes, the simplest of phrases can be the most powerful. Watch what you say and 

how you say it.

Life gets busy

You have these moments in time where life seems to just drag and there's nothing to do and you wish there was much more going on, until it actually happens. You then have work, and school, and appointments, and AA meetings, etc. then you feel like you have no time to do the things that make you happy, or that you want to do. You start to stress out, you want to take all the time for yourself you can. Sleeping in has become a habit which in turn makes me miss meetings I want to go to and gets me off my routine, and now I'm all over the place and it's not a good place for me to be.

Sometimes I need to just take a step back, take a deep breath and just relax, everything will work out the way it's supposed to. It always does. Funny how it always does, but it does. Never an easy task to tell yourself that while in that moment of stress, but if you just try it does work, and it helps.

I'm not sure what to do...

I used to be a very independent person. Before I started drinking heavily and going through some of the toughest times of my life. I graduated high school with a lot of friends, a running scholarship to a D1 university, and with what I thought was my sanity...

I get to college and start figuring out who I really am, I made a lot of friends...easily, I am a friendly person and playing a sport makes that easier as well. I was on my own for the first time in my life, I didn't have much but I got by and I enjoyed myself, partied a lot, and started to question my sexuality. As I approached the end of my freshman year, I started to become depressed, not understanding why I couldn't just figure out what I wanted, dating a girl who was playing mind games with me. I have never been surrounded by good relationships for the majority of my life, is this why I found it ok to not always be loyal? Did I feel not good enough and that's why I constantly seeked out attention from others? I don't know the answers to these questions, and a lot of times I hate that I don't have these answers!!!

I struggle on a daily basis still. Not always feeling comfortable in my own skin, not feeling good enough, wishing I could turn back time and do it all over again. But I can't, and I know that but I still can't seem to move forward and accept that. I hold a lot of resentments, towards myself...not anyone else! I feel like I constantly need some kind of attention from someone, friends, lovers, family, etc. just to feel some kind of worth and importance in this world. I hate that, I don't want to depend on others to make myself feel good, I don't know how to overcome this...it's a hard to break that "character defect".

I believe that I can do good things, and accomplish a lot, but sometimes when you work so hard and you still don't get anywhere (it seems) it's hard to always stay on that, work hard path. It's easy to want to give up instead of put in the work. How do people do it?! How do they always keep this positive attitude and keep the motivation at its peak? I need to find ways to be better at this, because I can easily get myself in a slump and stay there, and for me that's dangerous because I will more than likely start drinking again just to feel like I have a place in this world.

I just want to feel important, worth, purpose...I want to know that it will be good one day...I want to feel comfortable being who I am!!

Friends, real or fake?

When you quit drinking, you take everything that comes along with it. Which includes losing friends, many and few. You do a lot of sitting around, alone, because the friends you thought you had are still out at the bars drinking every night, not wanting to just spend time inside watching a movie or playing a game. You have to find out what you like again, you have to find all new friends, create new special bonds with people you don't know. It's a difficult process, I am still trying to figure it out, it makes me feel very sad and depressed, thinking I don't have any friends, or am I reaching out to all the wrong people? The weather is nice out and I want to be out doing things, not stuck in my apartment, so how do I find those people who want to do those things with me? It's a question I keep asking myself. I attend school and work at my job most days, if not one the other, every day of the week. It's draining and discouraging that I don't have time to find these new friends and new hobbies, to feel happier in life. I don't want to feel like I have to start drinking again just to fit in again. It's how it all started and I don't want to go back to that place. If anyone is reading and has any advice for me, please I am open to ANY suggestions. I hope that you all are enjoying my blog and I appreciate everyone for reading. It's been fun putting my "stuff" out there and maybe helping other people, or just simply letting others know that they aren't alone in their feelings!!!

HAPPY WEDNESDAY!!! :)